


Getting It Right

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, Season/Series 03
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-07-01
Updated: 2005-07-18
Packaged: 2018-12-27 00:59:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12070500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Details the reunion of Brian and Justin after Justin leaves Babylon with Ethan and fills in some gaps.





	1. Chapter 1 - The First Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

Brian looked up from his meal. It was the first time he had been to the diner for two weeks, since….. Oh, he had seen Debbie and she had told him what a fool he was, but she hadn’t been as hard on him as she sometimes was. It was almost as if she didn’t think it was all his fault this time. But was it? He turned back to his bacon and eggs. The habitual turkey sandwich didn’t seem like it would do. Ted had told him that whoever chose the music to play at the diner was on a western music kick, and Emm had added that it was not only western music, but old western music from the 1940s, like what his family used to play way back, down south. Brian wasn’t listening to it. It was a good thing. Red Foley was belting out:

“I’m sending you a big bouquet of roses,  
One for every time you broke my heart,  
And as the door of love between us closes,  
Tears will fall as petals when we part.”

Brian turned back to his food. It didn’t taste good. Nothing did. He felt old, maybe forty. He had gained a pound and a half in the last two weeks and he didn’t even care. He was concentrating on his work these days. He was working long hours, longer really than he needed to. He had tried drugs and they hadn’t helped. Liquor hadn’t either. Tricks were the worst of all. They meant he had to spend time in the loft and Brian didn’t want to spend time in the loft anymore. He only went there to sleep and he wasn’t sleeping much. God, the coffee was bitter. “They used to make good coffee here” he thought, “but this stuff sucks.”

“I begged you to be different but you’ll always be untrue,  
I’m tired of forgiving, now there’s nothing left to do.”

The door of the diner opened to admit a slight blond-haired young man, whose eyes froze as they saw Brian. It had been a long time. “Hey” muttered Justin. “Hey yourself” replied Brian.

“Thanks for the publicity stuff you did for Rage” Justin managed to get out. “Mikey showed it to me and it’s great.”

“I’m glad you and Mikey patched up your problems, Brian said. “Yeah,” Justin responded. “It was dumb, and with us working together on the comic book and me working in the store, too, it was just dumb.”

“Dumb,” the word echoed through Brian’s consciousness, “Dumb. Dumb, Dumb.”

“How are things going?” Brian asked.

“Oh I’m getting my fill of classical violin music but the competition is coming up soon and practice makes perfect,” was Justin’s answer. He wanted to say that the violin music was the only thing that was perfect, that his life was not perfect, in fact it was pretty awful. He liked Ethan and Ethan was nice, but he didn’t love Ethan, and between missing Brian and feeling that he was deceiving Ethan, his life was far from perfect. But he didn’t say that. What he said was “And how are things with you?”

“You made our lover’s lane a road of sorrow,  
Till at last we had to say goodbye.  
You’re leaving me to face each new tomorrow  
With a broken heart you taught to cry.”

“I’m doing well,” Brian said, “Working night and day. It’s more work than fun, being a partner.” When he said that, they both thought the same thing: “It is hard work being a partner. Maybe if we had worked harder, we would still be partners.” But neither one said it, would say it, or even could say it. They had never been very good at communicating with each other, even in the best of times. And these were not the best of times.

“I’m here to give Debbie some sketches I made for her PFLAG group meeting. She asked me to do them,” Justin explained his presence at the diner. He didn’t say that they were a peace offering. Debbie had reamed him out, too. She had figured there was blame enough for everybody She had managed to get Mikey and Justin back on speaking terms but she knew that if Justin and Brian were to get back together, they would have to work out most of their problems themselves. If she saw that they were trying to do that, she would certainly be willing to help, or whatever, but she was watching all of this out of the corner of her eye, and she wasn’t seeing what she needed or wanted to see.

“I see you’re not having the turkey” Justin volunteered.

“I’m not doing a lot of things I used to do.” Brian responded. There could have been more said but that time had not yet come.

“See, ya, Brian,” Justin managed to say, stifling what he wanted to say. “Take care Justin” said Brian, as he didn’t say what he wanted to say. Brian’s eyes followed Justin as he walked toward Debbie, handed her the sketches, and exchanged a few words. Red Foley was finished singing. The next number was by the great Hank Williams, whom neither Brian nor Justin would have known. And they weren’t listening as Hank began one of his earlier hits.

“Today I passed you on the street, and my heart fell at your feet,  
I can’t help it if I’m still in love with you.”

Brian’s eyes followed Justin as he left Deb and walked toward and out the door. Then he looked back at his bacon and eggs. He could eat no more. He hurt.

“A picture from the past came slowly stealing,  
As I brushed your arm and walked so close to you.  
Then suddenly I got that old time feeling,  
I can’t help it if I’m still in love with you.”

Justin walked down the street heading back to Ethan’s, actually his and Ethan’s, apartment. Those who knew Justin’s jaunty stride would not have recognized it. His heart was heavy. His feet were heavy. He felt old, maybe thirty. Then something flashed into his mind. The music at the diner. What was that hick singing?

“It’s hard to believe another’s lips will kiss you,  
And hold you just the way I used to do.  
Oh, heaven only knows how much I miss you,  
I can’t help it if I’m still in love with you.”


	2. Chapter 2 - A Good Goddam Father

Melanie and Lindsey looked at each other as they headed down the stairs after putting Gus to bed. They wanted to do something for Brian but they were at a loss. They had tried. Brian had hardly missed a day at their place since the Rage party. They had seen Justin kissing and walking out of Babylon with Ethan. They weren’t sure why and they still didn’t know. That night had been particularly weird. Brian had told them before the Rage skit that he was going to see Justin afterwards and that he might be going to tell Justin some things he wanted to hear. They presumed the good news was about the comic book. The skit itself had disturbed Melanie and Lindsey on Justin’s behalf but they asked Justin and he told them he was quite all right with the skit. He said that perhaps the skit might have disturbed him at one time but that he had talked the whole thing out with Michael while preparing the Rage introduction and that he was no longer haunted by the bashing scene.

On the other hand, Ben had seen Brian heading to the back room with the Rage actor after the skit. Brian looked distressed to Ben and when Ben asked him, Brian had responded only that “The skit was a mistake. The skit was a big mistake.” That meeting had bothered Ben enough to mention it to several of the gang. Michael felt that maybe Brian had never really recovered from Justin’s bashing. Melanie and Lindsey knew something was wrong. Brian had not been the same since that night. In his own words, he might be “on the way to becoming a good Goddam father.”

Gus enjoyed Brian’s visits (and also the couple of times a week that Justin dropped by – visits that Brian did not know about). They saw the same kind of a change in Justin that they saw in Brian but they had no more luck talking to Justin about what they called “the situation” than they did with Brian. Neither was his old self; neither seemed very happy. But neither would say anything against the other. Each one wanted to take the blame for the estrangement without providing details. You would think they still liked each other, but they did not want to be thrown together.

Debbie had seen them meet one day in the diner a month back but that was the only time they had been seen together. Deb said they seemed to get along OK. Michael had tried to get them to meet but he hadn’t been successful either. Brian had insisted that Mikey and Emmett take the special drawing computer over to Ethan’s and they had convinced Justin to take it. With the Rage comic book becoming successful, Justin wanted to send Brian the money for the computer but Emmett had convinced him that payment would hurt Brian’s feelings and Justin had said “I don’t ever want to hurt Brian.” He didn’t add “again” to that comment. Perhaps he did not know how appropriate it would have been.

Justin would now though be able to cover his own tuition, and when Mike had told Brian , Brian carelessly replied: “We had an agreement about that and I was going to keep up my part of it.” Melanie and Lindsey wanted to give it another try to talk sense to Brian.

Brian was sprawled on the couch in their living room. They thought he was asleep till he muttered. “Did you get the kid to go to sleep?” “You look like shit,” said Melanie. “It looks like you could use a little more sleep yourself. Maybe you need somebody to put you to bed.” “Fags don’t go to sleep when they put someone to bed,” snorted Brian. “We’re not lesbians.”

Lindsey saw that this was going nowhere so she decided on the direct approach. It hadn’t worked before but neither had anything else, and there was always hope. “Brian, all of us have seen a change in you since Justin moved out of the loft. Are you really all right with that?” she interjected.

“What’s to be all right about? People come and people go. That’s what life is.” was his reply. “Not always Brian,” Linz answered, “In real life sometimes people stay.” “That would be boring” Brian said, but he was thinking that maybe in some cases it wouldn’t need to be boring. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Lindsey pushed on: “Don’t you miss Justin at all?” “Yeah, I miss him, his complaining and his always being underfoot and his problems that I always had to work out for him. He was actually a sweet kid but he was just a kid – 19 for Godssake. He wanted things kids want and I’m no kid. I taught him what he needed to know and now he’s where he wants to be – with another kid – having the time of his life – and now I’m able to get on with my own life.” Actually, this was Brian being Brian. He didn’t often say what he really thought. He was beginning to think though that he had been wrong in some cases... He had thought that he and Justin really wanted different things and the best possibility for both of them, and especially for Justin, because he would never have intentionally hurt Justin without a genuine purpose, would be to push Justin away. He had thought that while Justin had claimed to be “onto” him, that the reality was that he was “onto” Justin. But as much as Justin had learned from Brian, Brian was beginning to understand, there was also a great deal that Brian had learned from Justin. Neither was really “onto” the other.

Brian had always been lonely. He had just not known he was lonely. He couldn’t know what loneliness was until he knew what it was like not to be lonely. Justin had taught him how not to be lonely, so loneliness could now bring him a pain he had previously been immune to. Justin had taught him to care for other people. He had always been there to help his friends if they needed him, but with Justin he had really wanted to go out of his way to do things for another person, not just to help them through their problems but to do things for them when there weren’t any pressing problems. Justin had taught him…. “Oh Hell,” Brian thought,” “What’s the use? It’s over, and where do I go from here?” But Brian had come a long way since that night of the Rage party at Babylon. He now knew that he was wrong when he thought that he and Justin wanted different things. He knew now that they both wanted the same thing, that they just called it by different names.

Lindsay went on with the questioning: “Well, wouldn’t you like to at least see him? You guys could still be friends.”

“No, I don’t think so,” Brian said, sounding natural, but nearly choking. “I don’t need to be a part of his life now. He’s got what he wants, what he needs …” Brian had to get out of there. He stood up and said that he had to be going. He was going to the office to write more copy. He didn’t say that the drive back would have a detour past the seedy apartment where Justin and Ethan were living, but it would, as it often did. Justin did not know about the long nights he had spent at the hospital and Justin wouldn’t know about the furtive drives down Elm Street, but they brought Brian some little comfort and as long as nobody knew….

After Brian left, Lindsey said to Mel: “I guess that didn’t do much good.” “No,” replied Melanie, “He’ll always be Brian. He’s never going to change.”


	3. Chapter 3 - He Was There

It was a bright sunny Saturday afternoon when Justin was walking over toward Daphne’s. They were planning to “hang out” for a couple of hours as they had in the old days. The old days were very much on Justin’s mind lately. Not that the new days were all bad. The comic book was doing well. Ted was helping them with the financial end and Brian’s advertising campaign had worked wonders. Ethan had won the Heifetz Competition and the $25000 prize, most of which would be used for more lessons.

Ethan was away this particular weekend playing Ravel with the Wheeling Symphony as part of the Heifetz award. Justin would have been able to go along but Ethan said that he might be a distraction from the goal of putting on the best possible performance. Justin did not want to be a distraction. Things were coming along pretty well with him and Ethan. They had moved into a nice apartment near the school. He was pretty sure that Ethan loved him – he certainly had said so enough times - and he hoped that sometime soon he would be able to feel the same way about Ethan. Forgetting Brian was the obstacle there. He hoped that he was not fighting a losing battle. Actually, he didn’t want to forget Brian but only the pain that their relationship had caused him. He would never really forget Brian. It had been a couple of months since he had seen him at the diner, and a few weeks earlier than that since the Rage party at Babylon when Justin’s world turned upside down. Oh, he thought he had seen Brian’s jeep a couple of times over on Elm Street but he knew that was just his imagination working overtime. There was no reason for Brian to be on Elm Street and there were lots of cars that looked like his.

Daphne met him at the door of the apartment she shared with three other girls. They would be alone this day because the others were all at the library studying. “They’re not as smart as me,” Daphne had explained. It took a while for them to catch up on recent events in their lives. They didn’t see each other as much as they did at the Academy. They missed the exchange of confidences.

Daphne had been at the Rage party so she knew about the break-up with Brian and she had heard about the new violin-player in Justin’s life. She had even met him, and liked him. But she had also talked with Jennifer, and she knew that Justin’s mother was concerned about the way he had been acting since the party. Jennifer had come almost to liking Brian and had concluded that it was not so much that Brian was too old for Justin but more that Justin was too young for Brian. Jennifer also told her that Justin’s friends had noticed a change in him. While Jennifer was satisfied that Justin was now involved with someone his own age, she wanted him to be happy, and the consensus of those who knew him indicated that he wasn’t. They hoped it was just a period of adjustment. Justin was young and the young bounce back quickly.

After the preliminary discussion petered out, Daphne decided to go for it. “ How are things with Ethan?” she asked. Justin knew how to answer that question from anybody else but Daphne. He couldn’t lie to her; he couldn’t even dissemble.

“He says he loves me – almost too often – and maybe too much. I really do like him and we have a lot of common interests, but it isn’t like …,” his voice trailed off as a look of pain ran across his face. “Like with Brian,” Daphne finished his sentence for him. “Oh, Daff, if he would only have loved me… If we could only have…” He couldn’t finish. He didn’t need to.

Daphne let him sit for a minute to compose himself. She hadn’t learned anything his friends didn’t suspect and that she didn’t pretty much know. “Have you ever read King Lear.?” Daphne asked when she thought the conversation could continue.

“I don’t do Shakespeare very much,” answered Justin, “I’m not an English major like you. But isn’t it about some old guy with three daughters.” “Yeah,” she responded, “and two of them kept telling him about how much they loved him when they didn’t give a shit, and the one who really loved him couldn’t tell him. She just showed him, and he never figured it out, and went crazy over the whole mess.”

“Are you saying that Brian really did love me?’ Justin said.

“I don’t know that,” she came back, “but maybe you ought to. From what I knew of Brian, he was a “play the field” guy and I never really saw anything to change that, but I think you got to be very special to him. At first, I didn’t think anything would ever come of your relationship with Brian, but at the prom, at the hospital, and afterwards, I could see that he felt you were different He had lots of friends and he had lots of sex partners but nobody, nobody, ever got to be both - till you.” She was pushing and she knew it, but she was also Justin’s only long-time confidante and she knew she had a unique relationship with him. She knew she could say things other people could not, and she was sure these things needed to be said.

Justin did not respond for a bit, but he eventually said: “I still don’t remember the prom. I remember the bashing but I do not remember the prom, or walking out with Brian or any of that conversation we had in the garage. I just remember walking away from the jeep and being so very happy. Do you have a tape of the song Brian and I danced to? You played it for me at the loft. It was really corny, I remember.”

“I do,” answered Daphne. “Take it with you back to your apartment but don’t play it with Ethan around or he’ll think you’re a hayseed.” She got the tape and he put it in his backpack.

“Hey, Daff, you said ‘hospital’ back then . What did you mean by that? Brian wasn’t at the hospital,” Justin suddenly thought to ask.

“Only all night, every night,” the words spilled out before Daphne realized she had goofed. “Oh my God,” she cried, “You weren’t supposed to know that.”

“What are you saying, Daff? I want to know. I have to know. Tell me.” Justin demanded.

“Well, I guess I do have to tell you now,” she admitted, “Brian stayed at the hospital for three straight days until it looked like you would pull through. From then on he sat with you every night during your stay in rehab. All night, every night. He told the nurses he couldn’t face you when you were awake because he felt responsible for the attack He didn’t want anybody to know, especially you, and I don’t think anybody does but your mother, and she told me by accident.”

“My mother knew and didn’t tell me. You knew and didn’t tell me. Why?” Justin blurted out. “ Why?”

“He didn’t want you to know and your mother thought it was better if you didn’t.” was the lame sounding answer.

“Well she was wrong, Daff, and I’m going to tell you why.” Justin replied, and Daphne could see tears welling up in his eyes. “I saw him there. I saw him. I saw him there every night but I thought I was dreaming. I never thought it could be real. I thought it was crazy – having the same dream night after night but I needed those dreams. It was those dreams that kept me alive. It wasn’t the doctors or the therapists. It wasn’t the fucking therapy. It wasn’t any of the hospital shit. It was those dreams that got me through rehab. It was those dreams that kept me going. Nothing but those dreams. Just those dreams - nothing else. Without those dreams I would have been dead, Daff. He told me that I had to get better, that he needed me and wanted me and that he always would. He told me that he loved me, Daff, and that gave me the strength to fight. He held my hand and told me that he loved me – that he loved me. And now I find out that maybe they weren’t dreams at all. He was there. He was really there. He was there and he told me he loved me. He saved my life when he scared Chris Hobbs off and he saved my life at the hospital. And he kissed me and he told me that he loved me. He told me. I didn’t know it but he did tell me…. If I had known that….” Justin buried his face in his hands. He wasn’t crying but the sounds he made were worse than crying. He got up after a few minutes and said that he had to leave.

Daphne realized that things had gotten very intense and knew that leaving would be the best thing he could do. He needed to be alone for a while. She told him to call her and he said he would. She warned him that if he didn’t call her, she would call him, and a half-smile crossed his face, masking the turmoil she knew was brewing inside him.

Justin’s mind was reeling, and he would not have been able to continue any discussion. There were so many things to sort out. He had been confused when he was walking over but he would be far more confused as he walked back. He stumbled out onto the sidewalk and started back to the apartment. He wondered how Ethan’s matinee performance had gone and hoped it had been a smash, but, when his lips moved, they whispered “Brian. Brian.”


	4. Chapter 4 - The Second Meeting

Since Justin was helping out at the comic book store, he and Michael had moved their working place to the back room there. That gave them time to work together between customers. They couldn’t very well continue to use Brian’s loft and this filled the bill admirably. The store itself was making a slight profit but Michael was OK financially because of Rage’s success. They had settled their differences mostly in Mikey’s favor as Justin admitted that he would also have told Brian if somebody else had been deceiving him, and Justin felt guilty that he had not himself told Brian about Ethan.

Mikey had made the case that he had told Brian in the unsuccessful hope that Brian would do something to avert the break-up. Michael was Justin’s main contact with the “family” although he dropped by Lindsey’s regularly to see Gus. He also stopped by Debbie’s but with her romance with Horvath moving right along, she wasn’t always available. He saw Ted and Emmett occasionally but he avoided the diner and Babylon because he wasn’t sure how he could deal with running into Brian there. The fact was that Brian wasn’t there all that often either but Justin didn’t know that.

They were working on Rage together in the back room a few days after Justin’s traumatic afternoon at Daphne’s. Justin was still trying to make sense of what he had learned there so he said to Michael: “You know, I don’t think we talked about what happened at the hospital the night of the prom. We talked a lot about the bashing, and I’m sure that helped me, but I’m not sure what you told me went on when I got to the hospital”

“That was a bad time.” Mike replied. “Brian stayed there for three full days until they said you were going to survive. I stayed with him most of the time. Your mother was there most of the time too, but she had to take care of Molly. Daphne was there every day. My mom and the others were all in and out. Then you woke up and you remember the rest, don’t you?”

“Yeah,” Justin allowed, “they kept coming all the time I was in the hospital, except for Brian.”

“Brian acted weird afterward,” Mikey admitted. “I know he didn’t come to see you. Nobody saw much of him all the time you were in the hospital. He would stop by a few times a week but he always left early and always alone. He did a few tricks but mostly didn’t seem interested in sex. He sure didn’t act like himself. It wasn’t the Brian we knew. We knew it was partly because of you being in the hospital but he wouldn’t talk about it. He wouldn’t talk about anything. Mostly, he didn’t talk at all. He just sat and stared at nothing in particular. And his drinking and drugging got worse. Brian was having some real problems of his own. He didn’t stay away from the hospital because he didn’t care about you. He did care but he just couldn’t seem to handle it. I think he loved you even then.” Mike concluded.

“Do you really think he loved me?” Justin asked.

“I’ve told you a thousand times he does.” Mike responded.

“That’s a thousand times more than he ever told me.” Justin muttered, but from Daphne’s revelation, he was thinking that he was wrong to say that. Not that it mattered very much now. Kissing Ethan in front of the crowd at the Rage party and then leaving with him would have destroyed any feelings Brian might have ever had for him. It was all over with Brian and he had brought it on himself.

“Justin, you and Brian need to get together. You need to tell each other the truth about how you feel. If you did that, you could solve the problems you’re having.” Mike prodded. Justin didn’t answer. He didn’t think he and Brian had problems. He didn’t think they had anything at all. Justin was feeling miserable and didn’t think things could get worse.

Then the door to the store opened and from the front of the store came the voice of Brian Kinney. “Hey, Mikey, I’ve got some Rage ads for you to look at.” “Oh, Hi Justin,” he said as he entered the back room. “You should look at them too. I’ve used some of your sketches,”

“Yeah” Justin forced his words out, hoping they sounded all right – he couldn’t hear what he was saying – “But I gotta get to class so it’ll have to be fast.” Justin looked at the ads Brian had brought but he did not see them “Gotta go,” he said, beating a fast retreat through the store and out the front door. He was pretty mixed-up, he thought. He was right. “At least,” he said to himself, “I didn’t give myself away. I thought I was going to faint when I saw Brian but they never noticed, I’m sure. I guess I do something right every once in a while.”

Brian looked at Michael: “He couldn’t get out of here fast enough when I got here, could he? And you’ve been telling me that he misses me, and knows he made a mistake. Sure didn’t much look like that to me.”

“Well things aren’t always what they look like,” Mikey answered, though he was also surprised a bit by Justin’s abrupt departure.

“Mostly they are, though,” Brian countered. He was thinking that he had driven Justin away and it was no surprise that Ethan’s arms were ready. Somebody would have been there – if not Ethan, then somebody else. Justin was a very special kid, and probably happy with Ethan, who seemed able to be what Justin said he wanted. It actually looked like a good match to Brian.

“You two ought to get together and talk,” Michael said, breaking into Brian’s thoughts. “And what would we say?” Brian came back. “What you are really thinking and feeling.” Mike stood his ground.

Brian smiled a half-smile and didn’t say anything. “Fat chance of that” he thought. “I’ll get the ads where they need to be, Circulation will be moving up. Believe me,” he told Michael, as he got ready to leave. Out on the street, Brian congratulated himself. He was sure that Michael didn’t see his knees buckle when he saw Justin. He was glad Michael hadn’t realized how nervous he was in the presence of the kid with whom he had once been so comfortable. Nobody knew that he was in love with Justin – still in love with Justin. Life would go on. Nobody would ever know, nobody, of course, but Brian.

Back at the comic book store, the phone rang as Michael was sorting some new deliveries. It was Emmett. “Guess what, Emm” Mike said, “We are right. Brian and Justin were in here together a few minutes ago, by accident of course. They are as crazy in love with each other as I have ever seen two people. You should have seen the looks on their faces. They wouldn’t look directly at each other so they didn’t see, but I saw. It’s as obvious as it could be. I’m not sure that they know, though. When do you think they’ll find out?


	5. Chapter 5 - Farewell to Ethan

Justin was a confused nineteen year old. He was living with Ethan; Ethan was a really great guy; he liked Ethan but he was no closer to being in love with Ethan than he had ever been. He and Brian were finished but it was still Brian who filled his thoughts. It was so bad that he could not trust himself to be in Brian’s company. He had seen Brian twice since the Rage party and both times were really tough for him. It hurt so much. He was still ashamed that he had kept Ethan’s entrance into his life a secret from Brian. By doing that, he had broken his own rules and deceived the man who had been very generous to him, even if he did not love him. And maybe who DID love him …? Justin shuddered. “What if …?” he thought to himself. And now he was deceiving Ethan about his feelings for Brian. Ethan had every reason to think that Justin loved him. Justin knew that, if he wanted to avoid doing to Ethan what he had done to Brian, he would have to talk to Ethan – to tell him the truth. It had to be soon.

He was glad that Ethan had suggested that they have dinner that evening at the new spaghetti place which had just opened down the street. Justin liked spaghetti but he was not, actually, looking forward to this meal. If the opportunity came up, he was going to have to tell Ethan what was on his mind. He didn’t expect that to be easy.  
Ethan wasn’t looking forward to the dinner either. He had things to tell Justin too.

It was just about half-way through the spaghetti when Ethan finally said, “Justin, I’m going to New York.” “When are you going and when will you be back?” Justin asked between bites of the spaghetti. “Do you want me to come with you?” “No, Justin.” Ethan responded. “I’m going to New York to stay and I’m going alone. I got an offer from one of the small regional orchestras up their for the first chair. They had somebody at the Heifetz competition and then they sent some people to Wheeling and they liked what they heard. They offered me the job and the music faculty at school think it is a great opportunity. Professor Green said that the New York Philharmonic will have a couple of violin openings next September and if I get heard around New York, I have a shot. I really am good, Justin, and I have to go.”

“But I …” Justin started out to say something but Ethan interrupted: “You have to stay here at school, Justin. You’re good too, and you may eventually come to New York It’s the big town for all the arts. If you do, who knows what may happen with us. In the meantime if you ever have to come to New York for anything, let me know and stay with me. I’ll be able to afford guests, and I hope we will always be friends, at least”

“But you’re always saying how much you love me,” Justin finally got to say. “And I do,” said Ethan. “I don’t think you really know how much I do. I love my music too, and my music loves me back. I don’t think you do.”

Ethan didn’t like saying what he had to say but, having started, he wanted to get it over. “I know you want to love me, Justin. I know that, but I don’t think you have gotten over Brian. I don’t think you wanted to leave him that night at Babylon but he didn’t give you much of a choice. If I thought that there was any chance for us, I might not be going to New York, but there isn’t until you get your unfinished business with Brian taken care of, and that may be never.”

Justin started to answer but Ethan was on a run: “You’ve always been nice to me, Justin: we have the same interests; you’re fun to be with; I love having sex with you. And I know you have tried to make ‘us’ work, Justin, but it hasn’t worked, and the way things are now, it can’t ever work. I guess you don’t know that when you’re asleep, you sometimes throw you arms around me and call me ‘Brian.’”

Justin had certainly not known that. “I’m sorry, Ethan,” Justin came back. “You’re right about a lot of what you’re saying. I wish you were right about unfinished business with Brian. Brian and I are finished. I am still interested in Brian. I have been in love with him from the very first night I saw him. He tried to get rid of me until I wore him down. He warned me it wouldn’t work but I wouldn’t listen to him. You know, I think he always kind of liked me but he tried to get rid of me because he thought I would do better with a younger guy. He was afraid he would rob me of my youth. He told me I was too young for him. He didn’t think he could be what I wanted and he told me that. I chased him till I caught him and then I didn’t want what I got. We finally got into a kind of relationship but I wasn’t satisfied with that relationship. I needed more than we had, and I still do, but I think it has to be with Brian or nobody – at least right now it does. Ethan, it wasn’t because you weren’t great. You were great, but you just weren’t Brian. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this sooner. I wanted to, and I hoped to tell you tonight, but you beat me to the punch. I don’t want you to think that you could have done more. It’s me who should have done more. If it weren’t for Brian I could really have fallen for you. I wish I could have.”

“Thanks, Justin. You’re telling me things that I bet you haven’t told anybody else. That makes me feel good. I want us to be friends. I’ll settle for that. Sometimes I think that real friends are harder to come by than lovers,” Ethan observed, after they had declined dessert. They had walked silently part way back to the apartment hand in hand before Ethan went on: “If you could tell me the things you told me tonight, couldn’t you talk to Brian the same way? Aren’t there more things he needs to hear from you?”

“I don’t think there is anything he wants to hear from me. I walked out on him in front of everybody. He’ll never get over that. If he ever cared for me at all, I think that blew it. What could he want to hear from me?” Justin replied with a disconsolate sigh.

“I can’t see that you can ever be happy until you try?” Ethan insisted.

“I’m pretty sure I never will be,” Justin thought to himself as they reached the apartment.


	6. Chapter 6 - Twin Solliloquies

Ethan had been gone three days. Justin had talked to him by phone. and it seemed as though Ethan was settling into his new life pretty well. They had agreed to keep in touch by e-mail once Ethan had his own place there. Justin was satisfied to be alone in the apartment. It made it easier to deal with the turmoil in his life. It had been over three months now since the Rage party – that long since he had walked out on Brian with Ethan. He had learned a lot since he had done that. He wondered if he would have acted differently if he knew then all that he had learned since. Brian still dominated his thoughts but he was nevertheless pretty sure that their separation was permanent. He had himself seen to that. He spent a lot of time reliving the happy times with Brian; the not-so-happy times he didn’t think about. “’You’re pathetic. A nineteen year old living on memories,’ that’s what Brian would have told me,” he thought to himself, and then he smiled because even that thought was about Brian.

Wandering aimlessly around the room, Justin spied the audio tape he had borrowed from Daphne. He hadn’t played it yet, the song they said he had danced to at the prom with Brian. He didn’t know the song, just that it was a dumb old thing. He slipped it into the player. It still sounded like a dumb song to him but the melody was kind of catchy. Actually, he played the song a couple of times and then found himself humming it to himself. It was like as if it had got trapped in his head. He couldn’t get rid of it.

It was getting pretty late in the evening. The room was dark except for the light of a single lamp on the other side of the room from where Justin was sitting in his new recliner. He was in a pensive mood. He closed his eyes half-way. The damn song was still coursing through his brain. “You can dance…” He was thinking of Brian, what else? And that damn song: “Baby don’t you know I love you so? Can’t you feel it when we touch? I will never, never let you go. I love you, oh, so much.”

Justin didn’t think he was asleep but it seemed like he was dreaming. He and Daphne were dancing. It was at the prom. Daphne pointed toward the door. Brian was coming in. He was coming over to them. He asked Daphne if he could borrow her date, took Justin’s hand and led him onto the dance floor. Everybody stood aside. It was just him and Brian and the song “Don’t forget who’s taking you home and in whose arms you’re gonna be.” They were dancing alone on the floor. They were waltzing and the music wasn’t a waltz. They moved into a tango and the music wasn’t a tango either. Justin didn’t know either of those old-peoples’ dances anyhow. It didn’t matter. They slipped across the floor like Astaire and Rogers. They didn’t miss a step. It was as if they were alone somewhere – just the two of them. Maybe they were in Heaven. Wherever they were, it was Heaven. Brian wrapped a white scarf around Justin’s neck. He lifted him off the floor and swung him around. Justin felt like he was flying – like he could fly with no help from anybody. When the music stopped, Brian kissed him and led him by the hand off the floor

“What a great dream,” Justin thought to himself. “If only…” Then Justin stiffened and his face turned white. Realization started slowly but then came on in a rush. Justin knew. He knew that this was no dream. He was remembering the prom. He remembered it all. He remembered going down to the garage. He remembered his conversation with Brian. He remembered telling Brian that it was the best night of his life. He remembered Brian saying that the night was “ridiculously romantic.” Then he remembered Brian telling him “Later,” inviting him back to the loft after he had dropped Daphne off. He remembered it all. It was just like they had told him but it was so much better. He was sure that night that Brian really loved him. He was sure that their meeting later in the loft would really be the first day of the rest of his life, the life that he so wanted and the life which would make him so very happy. He remembered too why that hadn’t happened, but that part was no longer important to Justin. He knew one thing. He had to talk to Brian. He would have to see him and talk to him He wasn’t sure what to expect from Brian. He wasn’t optimistic. A lot had happened since that amazing prom night. Maybe it was too late. Probably it was too late. Justin knew he had to find out.

Brian was spending that evening at the loft. The loft held memories for Brian and he spent less time there than he ever had but this particular night he was there. He had done some work on the computer but he got bored and was lying on the bed. He was thinking and most of his thoughts were about Justin He had heard from Michael that Ethan had moved to New York. He hoped that Justin was doing okay on his own. He desperately wanted Justin to be happy. That was why he had pushed Justin away. He was no good for Justin. He had always known he was no good for Justin. He remembered being ready to forget that on the night of Justin’s prom. Brian was ready to finish off the “ridiculously romantic” encounter at the prom later that night at the loft when Justin came back there.

Against all his better judgment, Brian was ready to tell Justin the things he wanted to hear. But “what happened” happened, and Justin was nearly killed. “That was my fault,” he reminded himself. Then during the course of the year, he had weakened again. Again against his better judgment, he began to think of himself and Justin as a couple. – just the two of them. He knew that was selfish and he worried about it. When the feeling got the strongest, Brian contrived something that strained the relationship. He wanted to do the right thing – to let Justin go on with his life unencumbered by an older, if still not old by a long shot, man. He just didn’t want that right thing to happen, not yet anyhow. He knew he had to give Justin up for Justin’s own good but he didn’t want to.

Brian was beginning to feel that he didn’t need his “freedom” so much any more. He thought that Justin might still need his. Justin was only nineteen. He wondered if Justin wouldn’t one day begin to mind the age difference as Brian moved through the thirties. “Forty?” Brian thought. “That’s not just a possibility. It’s inevitable. I can’t tie that kid down to me for the rest of his life. And I can’t take the chance that what happened on the prom night might happen again. I just can’t be selfish when it comes to him. I’d like to call Justin and find out if he’s okay but I don’t know if I can trust myself. And I don’t know if he would even want to hear from me.” He remembered too that he had weakened on the night of the Rage party, that he had lost his high-minded resolve. He had decided that he was going to give in to Justin later in the party – to admit his feelings, as Justin wanted him to do. . He had even told Melanie and Lindsey he was going to talk to Justin after the skit. That damn skit. It brought the prom night back and all the horror connected to it. He couldn’t do that to Justin again. “At least”, he thought, “It made me do the right thing and let the kid go to where he can be really happy. I’ll get over it.” The great Brian Kinney, though, was not sure about that.

Brian’s thoughts were interrupted by a ringing in his ears. It took him a second to recognize that it was his cell phone. “11:00. It has to be Mikey” he thought, “at 11:00.” The familiar voice on the other end wasn’t Mikey. It was Justin, though his voice seemed a little out of the ordinary. Brian froze. His heart started racing and he felt perspiration on his forehead.

“Brian, I have to see you. I have to talk to you. Can we meet someplace sometime soon?” Justin asked. His voice betrayed that he was in some kind of trouble. “Sure,” Brian responded. He would always be available to Justin if Justin needed him. How about Babylon tomorrow around six?” Brian suggested “I think it might be better if we were somewhere where we wouldn’t be seen,” Justin answered.

“Well, do you want to come to the loft then,” Brian offered. “Okay,” Justin answered, sounding a little more relaxed, but still far from being himself. “No classes tomorrow” Justin proclaimed. “I’ll mix up some of my jumbalaya and bring it with me and we can eat while we talk.” “Nothing against your jumbalaya, but at my loft, I should provide the food.” Brian said, “I’ll stop at the deli and pick up some things. I think maybe I’m in the mood for a picnic.”

Justin didn’t die at that remark but he thought he might. How either one of them was able to complete the call, neither would have been able to say, but somehow they did.

It is said that great minds often think alike. If that is true, Brian and Justin had great minds, at least for that moment. Both of them were thinking exactly the same thing: “ I’ll be seeing him in just 20,000 years. That’s nineteen hours, earth time.”


	7. Chapter 7 - The Picnic

Brian had the picnic laid out by 5:45. He had bought the same things that Justin had chosen for the last picnic set up on the floor of the loft. Brian remembered every detail of that picnic. He remembered how much he had wanted to sit down and have that meal and the private evening that Justin had planned. He almost had, but he finally got himself under control and insisted on going to Babylon. If he had not done that, he was pretty sure he would have made the commitment that Justin also wanted him to make, and he would have the kid trapped into the kind of arrangement that Brian was sure was wrong for him. He was hoping that somehow even the relationship they had would cool so that Justin could get on with a normal life. Brian did not want the relationship to be over for his own sake, only for Justin’s. Brian knew he wanted Justin, but he felt that Justin was too inexperienced and immature to make the commitment he wanted to make. Brian knew now that he might be fighting a losing battle with himself. He loved Justin and he needed Justin, “love” and “need” being two words that Brian had never thought he would use about himself in the sense he used them in relation to Justin. He was not angry about Justin and Ethan. How could he be angry because Justin had done what he was trying to get him to do? But Brian was relieved that Ethan was out of the picture. He had been surprised how that affair had affected him. If Justin had learned anything from his time with Ethan, so had Brian.

Justin was pacing up and down outside Brian’s building at 5:40, being careful not to walk where he could be seen from the loft. He had enough concerns about the upcoming meeting and one of the minor ones was that he did not want to appear over-anxious. He had no idea how he would react to seeing Brian. He had rehearsed several times, but he still wasn’t sure. He had to apologize to Brian for lying to him about Ethan – well not exactly lying – yes, lying. That he had to do. Then he wanted to get Brian’s reaction to his remembering the prom, and especially the touchiest subject of all, Brian’s nights at the hospital. He wondered just how angry Brian was with him, and if Brian would even be willing to discuss the other points. He didn’t want to alienate Brian. He wanted Brian in his life on any terms he could have him. He had learned a lot from his time with Ethan. He knew you couldn’t always have what you wanted and that sometimes you had to settle for the best you could get, and learn to like it. Nevertheless, he could not imagine his life without Brian in it somehow or other. He still had his key but he rang the bell and was buzzed in. He took the steps up.

“Hey” Brian said as he turned the bend on the steps. “Hey,” Justin responded. When he walked into the loft, Justin almost burst into tears. The picnic lunch was on the floor exactly like the one he had put there himself not so long ago. There were even candles. He couldn’t let himself cry. His head was swimming. He had to say something to cut the tension he was feeling. “I thought you didn’t eat carbs after seven,” he heard himself say, and he wanted to kick himself for saying it. But Brian was smiling. “It’s only six,” Brian corrected him. Justin smiled too and said, “Then we’ll have to eat fast.” They stood for minutes just looking at each other with rather silly grins on their faces.

They didn’t speak but they were thinking. Justin thought: “I haven’t been in this loft for over three months but I feel like I’m home. And he’s here with me. Shit. I’d think I was home anywhere he was with me.” And Brian was thinking. “If he wants us to be together, I think he’s won. There’s no way I can push him away again. If it’s wrong, we’ll both have to learn the hard way. Yeah, he’s won. But I don’t think I’ve lost. Not if he still wants me.” They weren’t mind readers though.

Brian gave a signal and they sat down on the floor on opposite sides of the picnic spread. They had not looked directly at each other the two times they had been together since the Rage party but they were looking at each other now. They started dabbling with the food and Justin began as planned, “Brian,” he said “I really am sorry about the business with Ethan. You have every right to be pissed off at me. I handled it all badly. I can’t make any excuses. I broke the rules that I insisted we have, and I owed it to you to tell you about Ethan. You should not have had to learn about it from Mikey. And I am so ashamed of kissing him in front of the crowd at Babylon. I didn’t want to embarrass you. I was confused. I’m still confused. I’m always confused.” Justin had said what he wanted to say but he was not particularly pleased at the way he had said it.

Brian was still smiling. “That’s what comes of being nineteen.” He countered. He and Justin often had engaged in banter about their age difference, but this time Justin decided not to refer to Brian’s age.

“Nineteen is not an excuse for being full of shit.” Justin accused himself. Brian responded gently: “I’m not mad at you. I don’t blame you for anything. You didn’t lie to me about Ethan. You just didn’t tell me some things you should have. I was disappointed about that but, you know, there may have sometimes been some things you should have known that I didn’t tell you.”

Justin saw an opportunity. He didn’t know if he should take or not. He decided he had to. “Like all the time you spent with me in the hospital. All those nights,” Justin responded. Brian looked surprised and maybe a bit uncomfortable. “Did your mother tell you that?” Brian asked. “Not directly,” Justin replied. “She let it slip to Daphne and Daphne let it slip to me. You know how women are with secrets” Neither of them knew how women are with secrets but it seemed to lessen the blame.

“Yeah, I was there. I was there when you were unconscious or sleeping and then didn’t have the guts to see you when you would know I was there.” Brian said.

Justin answered him: “I wasn’t sleeping all the time you were at the hospital, Brian, I did know you were there. I thought I was dreaming but I knew you were there. I looked forward to the night so that I could see you. You talked to me, didn’t you? You told me things that kept me alive, things that made me get better. You told me things that saved my life a second time.”

“You wouldn’t have been in the damn hospital at all if I hadn’t been crazy enough to come to your prom. That’s the cause of all your problems that night,” Brian retorted. Justin saw tears in Brian’s eyes. He saw them through some tears in his own eyes. “You know that isn’t true,” Justin said, “Daphne told you that we know that Chris had that bat the afternoon of the prom and he told some people that he had a special use for it that night. If you hadn’t been there, he might have bashed me to death, or I would have bled to death. You didn’t cause my bashing. You saved my life. If you hadn’t come to the prom, I would have been dead. Daphne told you all that.”

“Daphne did talk to me a lot about the prom but I don’t think I listened to her or anybody else for a long time afterward. Are you telling me the truth? I need to know if that’s the truth.” Brian said, quietly. “As far as we know, that’s the truth, Brian,” Justin responded, “I have lied to you before, but believe me this time, I will never lie to you again about anything, and I don’t want you to keep anything from me, not to protect me, or whatever.”

“Okay, Sunshine,” Brian said, “That’s a deal.” Justin felt things were going his way. Brian had called him “Sunshine.” It wasn’t a name he liked very much but when it came from Brian…. He was relieved, but there was more he needed to know. There were questions he had to ask, but Justin only wanted answers if they were the answers he wanted. His dream was based on what he hoped those answers would be. Otherwise, he wasn’t really sure he could accept the truth he had just demanded from Brian. So it was with some uncertainty that he began his interrogation. “Did you really say the things I heard you say in the hospital?” Justin asked, all the tension returning.

“Oh, Oh!” Brian thought, “Here come the questions and I just promised always to tell the truth.” Now the truth was not always convenient for Brian so he didn’t always tell the truth. But he always did when he said he would, and he was not about to lie to Justin. He stared at the beautiful young man seated across from him, his Sunshine, the twink who had become the most important thing in his life, and he thought he detected a frightened look on Justin’s face. Was Justin afraid to hear his answer? Except for his promise, Brian would have gladly lied, if necessary, to turn that frightened look on Justin’s face into his sunshine smile, but he hoped that the truth would do that job. Anyhow, when he looked at Justin’s eyes, he was sure that the kid could see right into his heart. So it had to be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing else. “Yeah, I guess I did,” Brian replied.

“Did you mean them, or were you saying them because you thought you were responsible?” Justin asked.

“Yeah, I meant them, whether I was responsible for the bashing or not. I probably would have told you the same things after the prom if Chris Hobbs hadn’t ruined it for both of us.” Brian answered.

Justin felt himself getting light headed. It was too good to be true. “But I guess you’ve changed your mind with all that’s happened since,” Justin pursued his questioning. “No,” Brian said, “I haven’t changed my mind.” Justin got up and moved around the mostly uneaten picnic meal, knelt down next to Brian and put his arms around Brian’s neck. They kissed like they had never kissed before. It was a while before the conversation continued.

When they were able to speak again, Justin said to Brian: “I remember the prom, Brian. I remember that it was ‘ridiculously romantic.’ I remember the dance and the kiss. I remember telling you that it was the best night of my life. It was. It really was, but, you know, it’s only the second best night of my life now.” They kissed again amid tears that they didn’t even notice. This time though, at long last, they were tears of joy. A little more time passed before either of them spoke.

“Will you move back here with me?” Brian asked. “Of course I will,” Justin replied and he continued: “But not right now. I want to keep my own place for a while. That way you will have more freedom. We have done enough wrong things that I don’t want to take any chances. You are no longer talking to a nineteen year old ninny. You are now talking to the most mature person you know, Brian. We are absolutely going to get it right this time.”

“And it’ll be different this time, too,” Brian responded, “I‘m ready to give up tricking. You’re the only one I want and now that you know that, I won’t be pushing you away. For me, there isn’t anybody but you. But I’ll wait until you’re ready.”

“You don’t have to give up everything for me, Brian,” Justin interjected. “Yes, I do,” Brian answered. “I want to. I want to be the most mature person you know, but I told you I would wait till you’re ready and I won’t hurry you.” Justin beamed. This went beyond his wildest dreams “You don’t have to wait, Brian, and you don’t have to hurry me,” Justin replied, “I don’t think the King of Babylon is likely to be King Justin the Unready. I’m Justin the Ever-Ready. Your place or mine? I pick your place tonight cause we’re here. It’s after seven so it’s too late for you to eat. Wanna redo that first night we met?”

“We can’t do that exactly, “ Brian answered, “That first night was all about sex and just about sex. It hasn’t been just about sex with us for a long time, and it never will be again.” Brian continued: “Are you sure this is what you want? You know I can sometimes be a bastard.” Justin was so happy he could hardly speak but he managed to say: “And you know that I can sometimes be a brat.”

Justin wound his arms around Brian’s neck and kissed him again, and again, etc. “I love you, Brian, I love you,” Justin gasped. “ I …I …I…” Brian stuttered. What he finally said was, “Me too.” What Justin heard was “I love you, Justin. I always will.” It was all he ever wanted to hear. Wrapped up in each other in every possible way, they happily stumbled up the steps to the bedroom. The blue light was on.


End file.
